Hey, Darwin, I think I'm getting leaner.
Can you see my abs?
I feel like I have a new one.
Mm, no. But your bummy looks pretty ripped.
My what, now? Bummy.
How your butt turns into your tummy.
Oh! I call it my gutootie!
Looks pretty buff when I suck it in.
All right, time to get dressed.
Please engage locker room anti-peripheral vision.
Okay, re-engage non-awkward eye line protocol.
What?
Um, you look like a cross between
a '90s R&B diva and a pork roast.
Oh.
Re-engage eye line.
Better? If by "better," you mean
a really inappropriate birthday gift.
That's just a piece of string.
You must have gotten someone else's gym bag.
Well, what am I supposed to wear?!
Dude, maybe you should have worn that bag a little lower down.
Not everyone knows about our eye line protocol thing.
Whose bag is this, anyway?
There's nothing in it except for this.
A USB stick?
Okay, let's see what's on here.
How about this one?
"Love!" "Love!"
"A poem for my love.
"How can one so very prickly be so very soft?"
"You came into my world, my love,
and raised my heart aloft."
"When I look into your dreamy eyes,
I never want to stop."
Bleecch! "You fill my world with sunbeams and rainbows
and make my heart go pop."
Got a very strong taste of cheese
and my eyes keep rolling in annoyance,
and I can't stop face-slapping.
Alan!
Oh, it's Alan's stuff.
That explains the string.
Should we take a sneaky peek at his private photos?
Mm... All right, then!
Ah. This one's called "Total Serenity."
Or total nudity.
Oh, this one is called "A Beautiful Spot."
To relieve yourself.
Okay, what's this?
"My Vision, by Alan Keane...
A manifest on how I will gain
the power I need to purge Elmore Junior High
of its greatest problem"?
What?! What?!
Is this for real?
You better read it.
"To become school president,
I might need to work a little on my appearance.
The more serious a leader looks"...
the more seriously he will be taken.
The next step is to alter my voice,
lowering it to give it a little more gravitas.
Maybe not that low.
And then just a hint of an accent for approachability.
Then I'll need to develop my strategic mind.
A leader must be thinking at least two steps ahead.
Checkmate.
You see, people are a lot like pawns in a chess game,
and you need to know how to influence them.
Hey, you're right!
It's a great idea.
You should apply!
What? Little old me?
But I'm just a simple country boy from the sticks.
Now, what would I know about them there politics?
Nah, you'd make a great school president.
The best way to achieve your goals
is to make people think it was their idea.
Uh, who are you talking to?
That is not something you need to worry about.
Okay.
Well, all I was saying
is that you would make a great school president, Alan.
Ooh! That's a good idea!
It is now my idea.
So all I'm saying is that Alan
would make a great school president.
You see, people just love to take credit
for other people's ideas.
Alan would make a great school president.
Yeah!
Alan would make a great school president.
Alan would make a great school president. Hmm.
Surely, once you're done shaking it,
it should be called a milk shook.
But, sadly, not every pawn on the chessboard can be used.
The next step is to motivate people to react.
Nothing brings about change more quickly than a crisis.
Grade tax?
"Your grades will be taxed to provide better grades
for the less academically gifted"?
What the what?!
Dude, you would totally benefit from that system.
Tax is like shared food at a picnic!
I'm not bringing the ham
if everyone else is bringing the salad!
No, you're more likely to bring the wasps.
I am not gonna stand for it!
So you've got an legal and plausible alternative?
Mm, nah.
I'm just gonna riot!
This is terrible!
I'm unhappy with something, but I don't know what it is,
so I'm just gonna smash everything up!
Their argument is sound, though.
But we weren't even gonna tax their grades.
Oh, yeah.
Counter-riot!
You do realize we're just reading his journal
and none of this is real?
Yeah, but this is exactly how it would happen
if it was happening.
Okay. "The next step is to stand as a candidate myself
and offer a solution."
The people have woken. We must all stand together.
Let me be your voice and tell those in charge
that we have had enough.
Let us think for one moment
and realize it is time for change.
We must march forward, look to the future,
and see that the time for celebration is now.
And if I don't deliver that for you, you may strike me down!
Vote for me.
The next step is a subtle advertising campaign
that will help me stand out from my competitors.
Huh?
"Don't let Elmore slip up.
Boycott Banana Joe"?
What the...
"Don't let the evil take root.
Protect the youth"?
What the...
Once he has finished eating everything in the cafeteria,
who will be next?
Vote Alan! Vote for Alan! Vote for Alan.
Alan for president! Don't forget to take a flier!
Once elected, I will purge the school of its worst problem...
Namely, sadness.
That doesn't sound so bad.
By forcibly sending sad people to happy camps.
We will select those people who need a smile on their face,
and we will fix them.
Inside our facility,
they will be exposed to only joyful thoughts.
We will monitor their progress with round-the-clock CCTV,
and they will partake in happy, healthy activities.
We will continue the process until every person
in Elmore Junior High bears a warm smile on their face.
Anyone who strays from the path of true happiness will be...
corrected.
My vision is for there to be a happy camp
in every town, state, and country across the world.
What?
If the road to oblivion is paved with good intentions,
Alan is about to build a freeway.
What are we gonna do?!
What would you do if you had the chance
to stop the worst dictator the world has ever seen
while he was still a kid?
You mean... "Ckkkkkk"?
Ckkkkkkkk!
Boop!
Ah!
Too much? Yeah.
Our mission, should we choose to accept it,
is to take out Alan before Alan takes over the world.
Should we get captured or eliminated,
any knowledge of our mission will be denied.
This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.
Good luck.
Okay, we can get out now.
We can't! The door's locked!
What do you mean it's locked?!
Dude, it's not called a locker for nothing!
We should have done this outside.
Oh, curse this big head!
Activate sniper mode.
Dude, what are you doing?
There he is!
Oh! Uhh...
Goodbye, Alan.
Ow! Aah!
Ugh!
Oh, why can't I do it?!
Maybe it's your conscience.
Weird. It's never been an issue before.
The truth is, we can't judge someone
on the actions he's yet to commit,
no matter how bad we think they are.
Are you guys gonna tell me what's going on here?
We read your plans to take over the school,
and we know all about your evil happy camps!
What do you mean, evil?
I want to become school president
so I can help those students who feel a bit down
and offer them a chance to go to the Lake Camp at weekends.
Oh. Oh, right.
So you can stop trying to assassinate me now.
We literally thought
you were gonna turn into a dictator and conquer the world.
Yeah, sorry.
But your plan was so convincing.
You could have definitely pulled it off.
Well, I guess all that's left to do
is laugh at how silly we've been.
"My New Vision.
A manifesto on how to forcibly seize power
and eradicate sadness across the globe."
Should have let us leave the room first.